psychiatristCurrently I feel so utterly humiliated.
I was so immature with dealing with my exboyfriend josh that he, his current girlfriend, and his roommate have all blocked me on Facebook.
I deserve it, and that's what sucks. I wish that I could hold my head high and say that blocking me was an immature act on their part but I can't. My heart sinks when I look to see that they have done this to me. Why haven't I grown up yet? Why do I still do this? What causes me to act so immensely unhealthy when I'm put into a situation where my heart gets broken into a million pieces?
I know TONS of girls who would never even consider acting the way I did towards Josh. They would all move on easily...but I hold on. Refusing to let go. It's been 3 months and I texted him yesterday telling him I loved him, which totally contradicts what I told him 3 months ago; which was "you're ugly", "I never liked you", "I just told you I loved you to get what I want". Stupid stuff like that.
Gosh, I wish I was a psychiatrist already so that I could figure this out, but I'm not. Not yet, at least. I've also, yet, to have someone explain to me their predictions of why I act the way I do. Noone can quite pin me down on why I act so outrageously insane when left by a guy other than, "maybe it's because you have been hurt by your dad". Well, yes, my dad DID hurt me and I forgave him and I love him with all of my heart...so why am I still doing this? I'm in college. FUCKING COLLEGE and I'm acting like a seventh grader...gosh, I don't even think a seventh grader would do this!
So today, I confess before you all that I am not perfect.
Gosh, I can't stand reading that statement!!! I can't stand the thinking about all the STUPID things that I said to Josh. I can't stand it! I wasn't right in acting the way I did. I didn't act in the smart, sensible, way that I should have and I don't think I will ever change. Never, never, ever!
What a heart-gauging thought!
Someone, I beg you, please help explain to me the psychi of my actions because I have no idea why I do what I do and maybe, just maybe, if I learn why I do it I can figure out how to stop it.
Please help me!!
