Sorry to say, but I haven't been on here in quite a long time. It's okay though. I haven't felt like writing. Nothing super new has happened. I haven't done anything super immature, like in the last blog. I think I'm growing up, finally. So, I'm broke and not very happy. I never seem to be happy anymore. I think I'm just too hard to please and that I will always be like that.
James and I are going to go wedding ring shopping in a couple of weeks. Our one year anniversary is on July 3rd so I'm pretty excited. We don't plan on getting engaged until October, which is when he comes home from boot camp. He'll buy the ring then. I am excited but I'm scared.
I feel like I'm old enough to get married (or at least by next year I will be old enough) but I have random moments of fear. Like, I pictured myself putting on a wedding dress and it was for real. It wasn't just for trying it on, it was for ME. Not just playing "dress up". It scared the fire out of me! I felt like I had lost my innocence. Like there was no turning back once I tried that dress on and I was trapped forever. Of course the feeling only lasted a few moments then was gone.
I think I'm starting to finally stand up for myself, though it's hard for me to draw the line between what is "acceptable" and what is not. For example, I yelled at James' little sister for a very legitimate reason. It felt wonderful. Afterwords I felt awful. Like a giant wave of guilt splashed over me. So, being the softy that I am, went and tried to explain my self; saying things like "you really hurt my feelings" and "I'm sorry I should have done [this]"...bla bla. Of course the little brat just looked at me and ignored everything I said. Kept on hating me and never apologized for hurting my feelings. After that happened, I knew I had done the wrong thing by going back and trying to recant what I had done. I had every right to speak out for myself. To stand up for myself. You can only be allowed to let slide a few mistreatments, but this was enough. She had hurt me to the core of my being and my heart needs to be protected. Heck, doesn't the Bible say that? "Above ALL ELSE guard your heart". So, I did. And it backfired. Like it always does. I let opinion over power me because of fear. Fear of being ignored, unlike, alone, desprit.
I will be strong one day. I will. And until that day comes, I'll just keep writing/blogging my feelings down. A little hypocrisy can't be too bad, right?
