divorceWhy is everyone so quick to judge? I definitely learned my lesson. I will never judge again. I'll keep my nose out of everyone else's business and will not talk about other people's problems to anyone. That solves nothing.
Also, I will never ditch the people I love, even if they're totally wrong. I will stand by their side and defend them to the end. I will be faithful and loyal to them. I will keep on loving and supporting them.
Fuck everyone, fuck my family. Fuck my inlaws (though, I would be very thankful to get those imbreads out of my life). My husband said that he is going to stop talking to his family. I could live with that.
Yesterday we had Christmas at my mom's and I had to open a present that was for my husband and me....alone. It was terrible. I saw his stocking full of goodies hanging above the fireplace and I wished more than anything that he was next to me, loving me. He has my entire heart and noone sees that but me. If I stay with him, he and I will both be ridiculed and I don't really want to deal with that, but in the long run it will be worth it.
BUT, I will also break the heart of a certain young man. He is amazing. He would give up anything to have me, to take care of me. He has a great family that likes me and there are a lot of things about us that just fit perfect. But he doesn't have my heart. I cannot love him. I just only like him. I'm sure there could be a future with him, but I didn't commit to HIM, I commited to James. This man is a true man. James is a pushover. I have to wear the pants. But this guy, he's safe and strong and brave. He arouses me. James doesn't and never has. Is it even possible to get over something like that? To stop feeling like I'm having sex with my own child? That's what it feels like to sleep with my husband. He's so fragile and weak. I fucking hate that. But the other guy, he's strong. I can be a woman with him. He makes me come alive. But he still doesn't have my heart.
What do I do blog world??? Please help me!!
+:Torn In Two:+
Did I make a mistake by getting married? I think so.
3 Bad Things:
Inlaws
His career
Money issues
All EXTREMELY important things and frankly....I hate pretty much all of those things. Was he really worth it? I think that there could be guys out there that are just like who he is, but without those three things. Maybe the money issue, but as long as I only have JUST ONE would be good, but I'm stuck with all three. Wow. My life really sucks.
Katrina
I just finished reading all of the old blog entries I've posted on here. I'm amazed at how passionate I used to me. My heart was so pure. I loved, I mean really loved people and all I wanted was for them to love me back. I haven't been going to church that much since those old days. All those blog entries about how they treated me at church just reopened my heart to why I don't like going. I have crushed by them. I was decieved and ridiculed because they all saw something in me that they wish they had....passion. I had so much passion. I don't know what happened to it. Maybe "growing" up just seemed to change everything. I don't know.
I'm 20 now. Yes, 20 years old. I am no longer a child, but I sure wish I had that same passion and spirit that I had when I was 15. Gah, I can't believe that that was 5 years ago! Time really does fly.
I'm laying here next to my fiancee. I will marry him in 6 weeks. I read him one of my old blog entries before he fell asleep and he said "did you write that?" kind of in an amazed voice. I wish he would've known me then. I was all heart. I opened up so willingly. Now I'm bitter and mean. I don't let anyone push me around anymore, but doesn't that sound right?
I was so soft and lovely but people kept kneading me like dough and I hardened. That's terrible. I wish that I could go back to them and just tell them what they have done to me. They don't realize that this is affecting my marriage. My sex life with my husband is affected by this. I'm afraid to show him my true self. Well, of course! Who wouldn't be after what I've gone through?!
Sadly, I cannot, in my own power, open myself back up. I hate that. I don't want to keep anything from him. I want him to see the me that I was when I was 15. I like myself much better then.
Isn't that strange? If I were back in time and I read this blog entry I wouldn't have believed what I was writing! I thought I was this hidious creature that everyone despised when in actuality I was a better person than I am when I'm 20. That's sad, but that's life for you.
You don't gain wisdom without experience.
Well, my computer died and I think I'm annoying my fiancee so I'll let you go. Man, I really wish I could talk to my old self.
*Getting Older HAS Given Me More Wisdom*
Sorry to say, but I haven't been on here in quite a long time. It's okay though. I haven't felt like writing. Nothing super new has happened. I haven't done anything super immature, like in the last blog. I think I'm growing up, finally. So, I'm broke and not very happy. I never seem to be happy anymore. I think I'm just too hard to please and that I will always be like that.
James and I are going to go wedding ring shopping in a couple of weeks. Our one year anniversary is on July 3rd so I'm pretty excited. We don't plan on getting engaged until October, which is when he comes home from boot camp. He'll buy the ring then. I am excited but I'm scared.
I feel like I'm old enough to get married (or at least by next year I will be old enough) but I have random moments of fear. Like, I pictured myself putting on a wedding dress and it was for real. It wasn't just for trying it on, it was for ME. Not just playing "dress up". It scared the fire out of me! I felt like I had lost my innocence. Like there was no turning back once I tried that dress on and I was trapped forever. Of course the feeling only lasted a few moments then was gone.
I think I'm starting to finally stand up for myself, though it's hard for me to draw the line between what is "acceptable" and what is not. For example, I yelled at James' little sister for a very legitimate reason. It felt wonderful. Afterwords I felt awful. Like a giant wave of guilt splashed over me. So, being the softy that I am, went and tried to explain my self; saying things like "you really hurt my feelings" and "I'm sorry I should have done [this]"...bla bla. Of course the little brat just looked at me and ignored everything I said. Kept on hating me and never apologized for hurting my feelings. After that happened, I knew I had done the wrong thing by going back and trying to recant what I had done. I had every right to speak out for myself. To stand up for myself. You can only be allowed to let slide a few mistreatments, but this was enough. She had hurt me to the core of my being and my heart needs to be protected. Heck, doesn't the Bible say that? "Above ALL ELSE guard your heart". So, I did. And it backfired. Like it always does. I let opinion over power me because of fear. Fear of being ignored, unlike, alone, desprit.
I will be strong one day. I will. And until that day comes, I'll just keep writing/blogging my feelings down. A little hypocrisy can't be too bad, right?
Currently I feel so utterly humiliated.
I was so immature with dealing with my exboyfriend josh that he, his current girlfriend, and his roommate have all blocked me on Facebook.
I deserve it, and that's what sucks. I wish that I could hold my head high and say that blocking me was an immature act on their part but I can't. My heart sinks when I look to see that they have done this to me. Why haven't I grown up yet? Why do I still do this? What causes me to act so immensely unhealthy when I'm put into a situation where my heart gets broken into a million pieces?
I know TONS of girls who would never even consider acting the way I did towards Josh. They would all move on easily...but I hold on. Refusing to let go. It's been 3 months and I texted him yesterday telling him I loved him, which totally contradicts what I told him 3 months ago; which was "you're ugly", "I never liked you", "I just told you I loved you to get what I want". Stupid stuff like that.
Gosh, I wish I was a psychiatrist already so that I could figure this out, but I'm not. Not yet, at least. I've also, yet, to have someone explain to me their predictions of why I act the way I do. Noone can quite pin me down on why I act so outrageously insane when left by a guy other than, "maybe it's because you have been hurt by your dad". Well, yes, my dad DID hurt me and I forgave him and I love him with all of my heart...so why am I still doing this? I'm in college. FUCKING COLLEGE and I'm acting like a seventh grader...gosh, I don't even think a seventh grader would do this!
So today, I confess before you all that I am not perfect.
Gosh, I can't stand reading that statement!!! I can't stand the thinking about all the STUPID things that I said to Josh. I can't stand it! I wasn't right in acting the way I did. I didn't act in the smart, sensible, way that I should have and I don't think I will ever change. Never, never, ever!
What a heart-gauging thought!
Someone, I beg you, please help explain to me the psychi of my actions because I have no idea why I do what I do and maybe, just maybe, if I learn why I do it I can figure out how to stop it.
Please help me!!
