Sorry to say, but I haven't been on here in quite a long time. It's okay though. I haven't felt like writing. Nothing super new has happened. I haven't done anything super immature, like in the last blog. I think I'm growing up, finally. So, I'm broke and not very happy. I never seem to be happy anymore. I think I'm just too hard to please and that I will always be like that.

James and I are going to go wedding ring shopping in a couple of weeks. Our one year anniversary is on July 3rd so I'm pretty excited. We don't plan on getting engaged until October, which is when he comes home from boot camp. He'll buy the ring then. I am excited but I'm scared.

I feel like I'm old enough to get married (or at least by next year I will be old enough) but I have random moments of fear. Like, I pictured myself putting on a wedding dress and it was for real. It wasn't just for trying it on, it was for ME. Not just playing "dress up". It scared the fire out of me! I felt like I had lost my innocence. Like there was no turning back once I tried that dress on and I was trapped forever. Of course the feeling only lasted a few moments then was gone. 

I think I'm starting to finally stand up for myself, though it's hard for me to draw the line between what is "acceptable" and what is not. For example, I yelled at James' little sister for a very legitimate reason. It felt wonderful. Afterwords I felt awful. Like a giant wave of guilt splashed over me. So, being the softy that I am, went and tried to explain my self; saying things like "you really hurt my feelings" and "I'm sorry I should have done [this]"...bla bla. Of course the little brat just looked at me and ignored everything I said. Kept on hating me and never apologized for hurting my feelings. After that happened, I knew I had done the wrong thing by going back and trying to recant what I had done. I had every right to speak out for myself. To stand up for myself. You can only be allowed to let slide a few mistreatments, but this was enough. She had hurt me to the core of my being and my heart needs to be protected. Heck, doesn't the Bible say that? "Above ALL ELSE guard your heart". So, I did. And it backfired. Like it always does. I let opinion over power me because of fear. Fear of being ignored, unlike, alone, desprit.

I will be strong one day. I will. And until that day comes, I'll just keep writing/blogging my feelings down. A little hypocrisy can't be too bad, right?

Currently I feel so utterly humiliated.

I was so immature with dealing with my exboyfriend josh that he, his current girlfriend, and his roommate have all blocked me on Facebook.

I deserve it, and that's what sucks. I wish that I could hold my head high and say that blocking me was an immature act on their part but I can't. My heart sinks when I look to see that they have done this to me. Why haven't I grown up yet? Why do I still do this? What causes me to act so immensely unhealthy when I'm put into a situation where my heart gets broken into a million pieces?

I know TONS of girls who would never even consider acting the way I did towards Josh. They would all move on easily...but I hold on. Refusing to let go. It's been 3 months and I texted him yesterday telling him I loved him, which totally contradicts what I told him 3 months ago; which was "you're ugly", "I never liked you", "I just told you I loved you to get what I want". Stupid stuff like that.

Gosh, I wish I was a psychiatrist already so that I could figure this out, but I'm not. Not yet, at least. I've also, yet, to have someone explain to me their predictions of why I act the way I do. Noone can quite pin me down on why I act so outrageously insane when left by a guy other than, "maybe it's because you have been hurt by your dad". Well, yes, my dad DID hurt me and I forgave him and I love him with all of my heart...so why am I still doing this? I'm in college. FUCKING COLLEGE and I'm acting like a seventh grader...gosh, I don't even think a seventh grader would do this! 

So today, I confess before you all that I am not perfect.

Gosh, I can't stand reading that statement!!! I can't stand the thinking about all the STUPID things that I said to Josh. I can't stand it! I wasn't right in acting the way I did. I didn't act in the smart, sensible, way that I should have and I don't think I will ever change. Never, never, ever!

What a heart-gauging thought!

Someone, I beg you, please help explain to me the psychi of my actions because I have no idea why I do what I do and maybe, just maybe, if I learn why I do it I can figure out how to stop it.

Please help me!!

...and place a hole where my heart should be!"--"Breath", Breaking Benjamin

Good song. So, my teeth are healing, but my mouth still feels as though someone punched me in the jaw EXTREMELY hard. Whateve. My brother is engaged, pretty cool stuff and I'm falling more and more in love every day. This whole love thing...totally NOT overrated. It's what I expected, but even better!

Now SEX was overrated...that's for sure!

What's a good name to name a fish?

and today i'm recovering...i really want an oceanwater from sonic.

*Beautiful Recovery*